Thursday, May 12, 2005


Sometimes I feel like loneliness creeps up on the shadow of a building in the path of the setting sun. Sometimes I find myself surrounded by people, and yet a sick, sinking feeling finds its way into my heart...a feeling of not being known, a feeling of invisibility. Sometimes I wish we had transporters, so that I didn't have to walk away, or say goodbye before walking I didn't have to say goodbye to people who have actually forgetten I was even standing there...say goodbye in a way that reveals the loneliness I'm feeling...say a goodbye that makes the people around me feel a little ashamed for forgetting that I was there. Yeah, sometimes I wish we had transporters. I hate that loneliness that creeps up on water that overflows its boundaries.


mark said...

thanks for the vulnerability in naming this alan..i am with you here..never in my life has there been a community of friends like there has been at CTS, and there probably never will be again..

now we go to the places where we must be discreet about who we tell what and who finds out what..not because we hide anything but because we are called to subversive agents in this broken world..

and in reality, we go where what we let out about ourselves could mean our jobs, our support, and our ministries..and so this is a time of loneliness, a time of sadness..

for although we know all this about community and how we need the other, we go to churches and camps that expect lone rangers..

and so this is why i never end phone conversations with goodbye! i hate the finality, the articulation of the end..

i will miss you across the hall!


Andy said...